


Ill Fit

by driedraspberry



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6154128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driedraspberry/pseuds/driedraspberry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A two-part AU where Eddie didn't die at the end of season one and Iris made the mistake of marrying him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was disappointed the show didn't give Iris a chance to end things with Eddie on her own terms. This is supposed to be a take on how she'd get there.

When Eddie appeared in the fading whirls of the wormhole, calling out for her, Iris didn’t wait to ask how. She ran. And she clung to his solid, upright form. It was real. He was alive! Her tears soaked his untidy collar, while she murmured, “Yes, yes, yes…” Whatever question he asked, her answer was _yes_. Iris was sure of it.

It wasn’t until she felt the cool, smooth ring slide down her finger when she stopped, momentarily wordless, and shocked to find she regretted she hadn’t paused to think through her answer.

Of course she would never take it back. How could she? And why? She loved Eddie. And, against all odds, he had returned to her fully resurrected. She didn’t need a bigger sign—fate had decided for them.

“Yes,” she said again, firmer this time.

#

They had their engagement party at a swanky restaurant with a dimly lit dance floor.

Iris began the night by dedicating herself to acquainting Joe to Eddie’s parents—something her father had fiercely resisted up to that point. The Thawne were openly warm, brash, and bold—just short of being inappropriate. Iris loved that about them. It was such a difference from Joe’s reserved nature, his quiet scolding and his secrets. And his lies.

Iris had forgiven Joe, and Barry too. But sometimes on slow news days she’d sit back on her chair, glazed eyed, and she'd obsess. Keep track of every instance she’d been fed lies. Every time she’d trusted her family, her men, over her own nagging inner voice. She wasn’t angry anymore, she didn’t want to be. Just sometimes those hard feelings bubbled up to the surface, stinging, right up to the explosive release.  

The worst of it had been little over two weeks ago. A Saturday, to be exact. It was just her and Joe that afternoon, and she’d come over with Pad Thai and beer, intending to brave a conversation long overdue—ever since she’d handed him her wedding invitation and instead of tearful joy, he’d sat her down, solemnly asking if she was sure.

She had told him she was.

But his smile had remained somber and his congratulations weren’t particularly heartfelt. Nevertheless, Iris hadn’t pressed him that night. Or any of the nights after.

On Pad Thai night, however, she meant business.

Two beers down and her food barely touched, Iris put aside her chopsticks and point blank asked Joe why he’d refused Mrs. Thawne’s dinner invitation for the third time in the last month.

Barry, Iris understood. But Joe? He was supposed to support her no matter what. Even if he didn’t agree with her decisions.

“I’ll go to the next one, promise,” he said between mouthfuls. He’d said that the last time. It was lie. Just like this was most likely another lie. All lies.

“Dad, the Thawne are going to be my in-laws. Our family.” She wanted to say more, but between the beers and her own frustrations, she fumbled with finding the right words. But that didn’t matter, because Joe wasn’t listening.

The way his shoulders were slumped, relaxed, and his eyes, warm but impassionate, told Iris all she needed to know about how important her big day was to him. And how interested he was in welcoming her in-laws to the family.

“Why are you being like this?” That came out strangled, hurt, while her eyes shone with accusations she couldn’t put into words.

Joe understood.

“He’s not the right guy for you, Baby,” he said simply.

“That’s not your call to make. I choose to marry Eddie. It’s _my_ choice.”

“I know, Baby—I’m not stopping you, am I? Doesn’t mean I have to like it.” And with that, he returned to his food, clearly done talking about this.

Iris wasn’t done.

And when he refused to engage, to answer for the hurt his lack of effort was causing her, that’s when she blew up.

They made up two nights before the engagement party. While he still couldn’t manage to feign excitement for her wedding, Joe made a genuine promise to make an effort with Mr. and Mrs. Thawne.

And he had.

Half an hour into the dinner portion of the evening, Iris caught Joe’s eye where he was seated next to Mrs. Thawne. He’d been chuckling all night, seemed to be enjoying her innocent flirting and helping himself to too much scotch. He sent Iris a quick wink.

“See, nothing to worry about,” Eddie whispered, pressing a light kiss to the top of her ear shell.

Iris smiled, content. “Your mom’s a piece of work.”

Eddie had returned to his steak, so he merely hummed his approval.

“I’m excited to have a woman around. A mother.” She licked the trace of her wine from her lips.

“My mom always wanted a girl. Everyone wins this way.” But Eddie’s fork froze on its way up, like it suddenly occurred to him he might’ve said something wrong. He snuck a look at her and his face tensed into one of his awkward smiles. “I, uh. Iris, I didn’t mean she can replace…your loss.”

He stopped, cringed, and kept on staring at her, waiting for reassurance. And looking like he wasn’t sure if he should be reassuring her or not.

Iris brushed off his worries with a shining smile and tried her best not to be annoyed. This topic was always a difficult one for them. Eddie was so scared to approach it he didn’t even know more than two things about her mother. It’s like he felt guilty about having both of his parents.

It was one of those odd little things that sometimes nagged Iris, reminding her that there was this huge aspect of her life that she could never comfortably share with him. At least not the way she could with Barry.

Barry…

He’d promised her he’d drop by, but had said he’d be late. Miss dinner, but come for dancing. Which he refused to do himself, but said he’d watch her dance.

Iris’ lips curled up a bit around the rim of her wineglass. The little she sipped was difficult to swallow, squeezing painfully past the sad lump in her throat. She didn’t want to hurt Barry—it was the last thing she ever wanted. Only, the universe seemed set against them in this lifetime.

“My mom’s going to have to get used to having another Mrs. Thawne around.”

Iris coughed, quickly snatching up her handkerchief to sputter her wine into. “I—what?”

“Mrs. Thawne, you.” Eddie’s confused smile waned at the edges. “Aren’t you going to take my name when we marry? I thought…”

This wasn’t the time for this. Iris wished she could have this conversation anywhere but. Only, Eddie’s waning smile was already transforming into hurt, his pale eyes diming. And Iris knew she’d rather take the Band-Aid off now than prolong the sting.

She set down her handkerchief and turned a bit to face him. Smiling a light, apologetic smile, she forced herself to keep her eyes glued to his, withstanding his searching disappointment. “I’ve been building a reputation for myself as Iris West. Changing my name now could be a blow to my career. I’ve actually talked to a few people about it, my boss and Linda mainly. They’ve all advised against it. And, Babe, you know how much my career means to me.”

He nodded, but didn’t seem to have anything to say. He just watched her, deflated, as if he’d been rendered speechless.

Her fingers playfully tugged on his lapels, as if to prompt him to talk. And when he still didn’t, she said, “what does it matter if I take your name or not? I love you. I’m marrying you. Maybe you should take _my_ name.”  

She quite liked the idea.

But Eddie didn’t smile. He just shook his head, and quietly said, “What if you hyphenate? Iris West-Thawne. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

West-Thawne sounded snooty to her. Not terrible, not even bad. But it didn’t sound like _her_.

“I don’t want to hyphenate. It’s tacky.” At least, that’s what she’d always thought. She’d never have imagined some future version of her would consider it.

Unfortunately, Eddie’s thoughts seemed to track along the same lines. His expression quickly darkened and, just as quickly, he was removing Iris’ fingers from his jacket.

“I need to use the bathroom,” he murmured, and to her surprise, he kissed her cheek before he left. Knowing how little concerned Eddie was with appearances, she knew the kiss wasn’t for show. He didn’t blame her. He just needed a moment.

She swallowed a lot of wine, light with relief.

The awful conversation had been more bloodless than she’d expected.

But as she drank her thoughts wandered back to that other possibility.

Iris West-Allen.

It didn’t sound as ill fit as the other. It didn’t sound ill fit at all. Much as she didn’t like hyphenations, this one had its charm. And it made her a little sad to think that future was lost.

#

Barry was later than expected.

He texted with some excuse about lab business and Singh riding his ass. Iris understood the excuse for what it was and played along.

In the meantime, a gaggle of Iris’ old college and high school girlfriends, along with her rowdier past Jitters and current CCPN coworkers, forced Iris away from Joe and the in-laws and towards the bar. First for cocktails. Later, assorted shots.

Iris had way too many by the time Barry finally got there.

Good thing, because her smile stretched easily and she threw her arms around him. Babbled in run-on sentences about all the things she’d been dying to say, but hadn’t, to give him space.

Barry just laughed and held her like always. And made the same promises as always. The month or so they’d been avoiding each other for, melted away, like it’d been nothing. Insignificant next to their lifetime of friendship.

At one point, she lured him to the dance floor. Hushed his protests by positioning his hands on her hips. Exact same stance as the one dance they shared at their junior prom.

The memory fogged her mind now, sweetly aching. She missed being so young and carefree. She missed all the things that could’ve been. Like late in the dance…

That night, under the drowsy spell of dim lights and the sway of sedate romantic music, there was a moment when Iris became very aware of the nearness of Barry’s pouty bottom lip. She’d imagined how soft it’d feel. Imagined pressing a light kiss there. Then another kiss, a longer one to part his lips and tease her tongue in. He’d caught her looking from under his long lashes. For a tense, breathless instant, she’d thought he would inch down and let her kiss him. But then he looked away, awkward, and briefly closed off.

Last Christmas Iris found out she hadn’t imagined that heated moment. And found out why Barry had broken it.

It’d hurt to think she’d needlessly suffered a quiet heartbreak, one she could barely comprehend. And all Barry would’ve had to do was to bow his head down a few measly inches.

Looking up at him now, seeing the gentle flutter of his lashes, his mouth parted slightly, pink and made for kissing… She wanted so badly to close the distance. To tug him down by his tie. To push herself up on her tiptoes.

But the slight weight of her engagement ring was a reminder that it was too late. He was. And so was she.

They didn’t talk throughout the dance. They didn’t need to. He was happy that she was happy. And she _was_ happy. Maybe not deliriously happy like she would’ve been as the soon-to-be Mrs. West-Allen. But that was a dream. A whole other life.

Iris had made her peace with that.

#

Iris cursed internally.

On the outside, she kept her smile, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries with Eddie’s aunt, who was brash in the typical Thawne way.

The problem wasn’t the company. It was the dress—the tight fit of the lace covering her shoulders to be exact. All night, the thing pinched and scratched at her, making any movement of her arms torture. Iris didn’t understand. Her final fitting had gone well, and it’s not like she grew broader shoulders over the week. So what gave?

And it wasn’t just the dress.

An unexpected thunderstorm had forced their fairytale themed, garden ceremony into the venue’s generic banquet hall with its hideous eggshell seat covers. Her flower order had been mixed up, ruining her dusty rose and white color scheme. Even the food let her down—the scallops at entrée were rubbery, her steak for main was overcooked, and she was so miserable, she barely bit into her assorted dessert…the course she’d been looking forward to most. To top it off, her photographer had been a no show and she was pretty sure their DJ was stoned.

Yet, all night, Eddie stood by her, smiling and laughing, unruffled by the slow disaster their wedding had become.

“We’re gonna look back and laugh,” he’d promised, pressing a light kiss to her cheek.

Eddie was right. None of the little stuff mattered. This was their night, it was special and beautiful and…perfect? No, it wasn’t perfect. And no matter how hard Iris tried to smile and pretend to enjoy herself, she couldn’t help the sinking feeling of discontent. This wasn’t the wedding she’d wanted, that much was clear.

And, looking across the table to where Barry and his date, the new officer at CCPD, flirted and laughed, she didn’t feel any better.

Iris would give anything to go back to those early days. The first dates. Just getting to know Eddie. Having fun. Getting intimate with the hilarious awkwardness of their unfamiliarity. All the easy, listless fun that came without the weight of choices. The weight of binding commitment and the future.

The future scared her.

Later, while most of the wedding party crowded the dance floor, Iris opted out, feigning a swollen ankle. She persuaded Eddie to ask Caitlin, who definitely looked like she could use some cheering up—Cisco had tried, but one of Iris’ old college girlfriends had glued herself to him, whatever he protested. Eddie being the wonderful man he was, was more than happy to comply and briefly serve as Caitlin’s white knight.

Once alone, Iris doubled down on the champagne, if only to silence the nervous buzz at the pit of her stomach. She thought brides got cold feet _before_ the wedding, not after.

But while she was walking up to say her “I do” she was too preoccupied with other things. The many preparations left to do for the reception. Anxieties over the missing photographer, and doubts over his amateur substitute. The million things that could still potentially go wrong…

Besides, Eddie’s comfortable presence calmed her. Having him firmly planted next to her, alive and happy…it was a gift. A magical gift she knew she was supposed to keep tight.

But now, with nothing left to do, Iris wanted a moment to herself. She wanted to stew in her misery without feeling guilty for bringing down Eddie and ruining their big day. And she wanted to numb some of that misery with the wedding champagne.

It was strange watching the dancing crowd. Seeing her friends and coworkers, family and the few strangers, all laughing and bopping. Happy. Having a blast. Why couldn’t she?

Then there was Barry and Officer Perky. Her dress was flesh colored and formfitting. Very sexy. Barry’s hand rested low on her back, and even during faster beat songs, they just stood together, close, and moved with drowsy intimacy.

Iris coughed from downing the rest of her champagne. She watched, almost hypnotic as Barry’s head snapped back, in unison with _hers_. Then, still laughing, he dipped his head for a kiss. Playful. Comfortable.

“Perfect together, aren’t they?”

Iris started, not having realized Eddie had returned to the table. His smile was pleasant enough, but she knew his blue eyes too well not to see the shade of hurt clouding them.

“She’s great,” Iris said automatically, her lips drawing into a large smile. “Eddie, it’s not like last—I mean, I’m happy for him. Happy for both of them.”

“Of course you are.” He pecked her lips, but when he pulled away, a knowing darkness edged his features. “I need to go up for a nap. I’ll be back in ten—no later than fifteen.”

He wasn’t.

And after twenty minutes, Iris had to go get him before things got embarrassing.

She found him at their hotel suite, slouched over the far side of the bed, facing the curtained windows. His jacket hung from the doorknob. His shoes kicked off separately. And all in all, nothing like the happy groom he was supposed to be.

Iris couldn’t help feeling guilty for successfully ruining their day.

With slow, careful steps, she joined him on the bed, sinking down next to him, but not too close.

He didn’t look at her.

“Eddie, I don’t know what you thought you saw, but I didn’t mean to—”

“Stop. Iris, please. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He sighed, and straightening a bit, he finally turned, his look of sincere openness surprising her. “It’s my fault. I haven’t been honest with you. There’s something I’ve been afraid of telling you. Afraid because…because I don’t know what your answer is going to be.”

“Eddie…” She reached out for his hand and brought it to her lap, holding it with both of hers. “I’m your wife now. You can tell me anything.”

He exhaled deeply and finally, “I got a promotion. A big one.”

Not what Iris was expecting. She opened her mouth to congratulate him—but stopped herself, sensing there was more. And that she wasn’t going to like what would follow.

She was right. Her immediate response was an incredulous, “You can’t be serious… Eddie?”

But while his eyes were apologetic, he was unrelenting. “I’m not going to force you to come with me, and I’ll turn it down if you ask me to… But I really think I should accept this opportunity. I won’t get another one like it. Not anytime soon.”

Though her heart was sinking and a mild migraine was fast growing, she had already made her choice. She was committed to their marriage and ready to start thinking in terms of _them_. And in that case, the money would mean a lot for _them_. For their future. Their future together…

She had to ignore the tightness in her chest and the sudden claustrophobia, instead choosing to focus on how she was going to break this news to Joe. And Barry.

Also, she tried very hard not to resent Eddie for keeping this from her. Would it have changed her answer of “I do”? She felt guilty for the tiny voice that said _yes_.

#

Iris laced her fingers, holding her hands together on her lap in a tight grasp. She didn’t dare look up. She didn’t want to see her dad’s distraught. Or worse, risk meeting Barry’s eyes and taking it all back—it had happed once before, when she ditched sleepover camp last minute. It was eighth grade, and seeing how sad Barry was to be left alone all summer, she just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave him.

“Coast City,” Barry said, and to her shock he sounded almost normal. When she did look up, he even flashed her a faint smile. “I think Oliver is still there with Felicity. Maybe I’ll drop by sometime. We can all go out or something.”

Iris returned his smile with a tight one. “That’d be nice.”

Later, it was Joe who cried first, holding her tightly to him. Between sobs, huffing hot breath into her hair, he muttered gruffly, “You can’t be getting into trouble, you understand? We’re not gonna be there to protect you, Baby, and I’ll be damned if anyone harms a hair on your head.”

Iris smiled through her tears and promised she’d be extra careful and joked about how she’ll miss having the Flash watching her back.

That’s when Barry joined their hug. He was crying too. And his heart raced so fast, Iris could feel it beating even for the crowded hug.

“I’ll visit twice a month,” she promised, though even she knew she could never keep that promise.

#

Iris’ editor at CCPN had made a few calls, helping Iris snag a job at the hottest paper in Coast City. He said it hadn’t been hard. The editor there was his college friend and he’d been psyched to have Iris West join his team.

He hadn’t been kidding. This guy was taller, leaner and far more easygoing. He even smiled sometimes. “Call me Christopher,” he said on her first day, pulling her into a hug she wasn’t prepared for.

Iris patted his shoulder awkwardly, and did her best to stay professional while Christopher showed her around.

And after a long day, she decided she didn’t totally hate it there. She preferred CCPN’s trendier style, but she could live. Besides, her interests were piqued by the story about the missing test pilot.

She ran a few of her theories by Eddie at dinner one night—pizza, in the cluttered living room of their mostly unpacked, barely decorated two-bedroom condo. Much larger and pricier than Eddie’s old place.

But for all the crazy stuff they’d lived through back in Central City, Eddie laughed her off. He washed down dinner with a long swing of beer and said he wasn’t buying the fuss. “I heard the guy was engaged. More than likely he got cold feet and planned an elaborate ditch. His fiancé was the central witness, wasn’t she? Could be she’s playing along to save face.”

“Seriously? Why would she make up such a ridiculous lie?” She really couldn’t believe his attitude, but a nagging thought reminded her of Eddie’s early reaction to the Flash, the nonplussed dismissal of the mere possibility of him. “Why is it so hard for you to believe in the impossible, even after everything…”

Eddie seemed to be remembering too, because he grimaced and met her gaze with a knowing look. “I know you miss _him_ , but turning this pilot into your new superhuman crush is bound to end with disappointment. And I don’t want that for you.”

“This isn’t—my _crush_? You think this is about…” Iris shook her head in disbelief. “Just so you know, I’m not going to drop this story to sooth your insecurities.”

The hurt shading his soft blue eyes should’ve made Iris regret that hit, but her pride wouldn’t let her take it back. It was the truth…

“It’s your story, I’m not going to stop you. But deep down, I think you know I’m right, Iris.” With that he got up, heading for their bedroom. And left his paper plates for her to clear.

Iris had never been so annoyed.

She wanted to call Barry and vent, but unfortunately the last time she called Officer Perky had picked up his phone and she’d panicked and hung up. Now she wasn’t eager to give it another try.

That night wasn’t the first time she missed home. But it was the first time she didn’t scold herself for not thinking of here—and Eddie—as home now.

#

“Call me Carol, please.” The young woman, not much older than Iris herself, led her into an empty office at the base, and quietly shut the door behind them. “I’ve heard of you and the uh, the red guy you write about. Streak? Blur?”

Iris grinned. “Flash.”

“Right.” Carol eased back into her desk, sweeping back her long dark her with a quick whip. “You want an interview about Hal? You’re not exactly the first.”

“No, actually, I’m here to investigate. I think I might be able to help…”

A few minutes in though, Iris got a call from Joe.

Good thing she answered it. Turns out, Zoom had done a number on Barry. That he was out, unconscious…but thankfully alive.

Iris had dashed out of the base into the parking lot and already starting up her car before she realized her other appointment. She was supposed to pick up Eddie’s mom at the train station in an hour.

She called Eddie on the way, wanting to explain the situation and apologize for having to make his mom take a taxi. But she knew he’d understand. Only, Eddie never picked up the phone—not even the third time she called.

Iris was starting to worry when her phone rang, the ID belonged to Coast City PD.

“Mrs. Thawne?”

“No, uh, it’s Iris West.” It was always awkward to explain, but she stood by her decision. “May I please speak to my husband?”

There was a pause then, “I’m afraid there has been an accident. A shootout at the station. We just got news of your husband being transferred to the ER. I’ll text you the address, Mrs. West.”

Iris’ knuckles tightened around the wheel. She didn’t want to turn around—she hated that she didn’t want to. But she’d made a choice, a commitment. No matter how much she wanted to keep driving towards Central City, she knew she had to turn back and go to Eddie.

Angry tears trickled down her cheeks, hot and stinging. She had to remind herself that Barry was superhuman, that he healed fast. And Eddie wouldn’t. Eddie’s need was greater.

Even still, she wanted to go to Barry. To check on him first. And oh, how she _hated_ that she couldn’t.

That wasn’t the first time she resented being married, or having said _yes_. But it was the first time she resented Eddie for asking her. He’d known how she felt about Barry…

#

“He’s awake,” Joe said, sounding tired.

Iris held her phone closer, smiling and weakly laughing, and also wanting to cry. “Tell him I’ll come see him as soon as I can. As soon as Eddie is discharged. They said it’ll be tomorrow. His injuries are minor and his mom—”

“Baby…” uh-oh, that was never a good tone. “Barry’s gonna be okay. You should stay with your husband, he needs you more.”

She grasped the phone harder, like she wanted to crush it the same way Tony did her old one. “Barry is my family.”

“Yes, but, Baby, when you marry your new family is supposed to come first. One day you and Eddie are going to—”

Iris hung up before he could finish. It wasn’t like her to be rude, but in her current emotional state she didn’t think she could bear to listen to the rest. Already, she was starting to unravel, sobbing in the hospital hallway as she ran to the nearest bathroom.

Having dried her tears, she stared at her reflection, trying to rub off the mascara smudge under her eyes.

Why was this so hard?

She loved Eddie, of course, but putting him first… She hadn’t thought that part through.

#

When Iris did get to visit, Barry was struggling with his temporary paralysis and determinedly shutting her out. Everyone else too. But Iris understood and didn’t push him. Instead she used her resources to narrow down Henry and talked him into returning. Barry needed  _him_.

Though she’d never admit it, deep down Iris was rather pleased Officer Perky wasn’t around much. Barry hadn’t shared his secret with her, and didn’t seem very in love either. Iris had feared he would be. She’d secretly obsessed about it on her drive over.

Unfortunately, Iris’ short visit had been eventful in other ways.

“Maybe it’s best you stay in Coast City,” Joe told her as they embraced goodbye. “The further you are from danger, the easier I sleep at night.”

Iris smiled as if she agreed, but she was happy to go for her own reasons. Her father had lied, _again_. It was a difficult lie that she ultimately forgave him for, because she didn’t want to ruin the little time they had together. And because she had decided that Francine could’ve returned at anytime, but she had chosen not to. A choice that became more painful when Iris realized there was another child. The weight of _that_ secret—this time hers—and the difficulty of comprehending its many implications, as well as Francine illness, had made Iris so very eager to run off to Coast City.

She decided that she would tell Joe after she’d done her research, because she wanted to be very, very sure before she broke his heart.

Back at Coast City, she’d never been gladder that Eddie wasn’t Joe’s partner anymore. His loyalties were completely with her now. And she didn’t have to worry about putting him in a tough position by telling him about Wally West.

But Eddie was a Thawne, and it didn’t take him long to reach the conclusion Iris least wanted to hear. “Sweetheart, think of it like this, you have your Mother back. Resurrected. Like I was. Past mistakes aside, if you give her the chance, she can make things right in the brief time she has left. And better yet, now you have a brother. Don’t let your anger get in the way of making things right with your family.”

Moments like these were painful reminders of who Eddie wasn’t. And how little he understood her. To make him, she’d have to put herself through the painful process of explaining the terrible ordeal of losing a mother, and then finding out all that pain could’ve been avoided. That her parents chose to let her suffer needlessly.

But Eddie wasn’t Barry. He hadn’t been there. He didn’t curl up in bed with her every mother’s day, crying together. Eddie’s mother was lovely and warm and present whenever he needed her.

In the end, Iris didn’t explain. Eddie wasn’t the one she wanted to talk to about this.

That night she Skyped Barry. She wasn’t ready to tell him about her brother—didn’t want to burden him with such a heavy secret when he lived and worked with Joe. She just wanted to talk about her mom. And about growing up without one.

“Do what feels right to you. You don’t owe Joe or Francine anything,” he told her, and she heard the unspoken _I trust you_.

From anyone else, that would sound like generic advice. But Barry’s support meant the world to her. It helped her feel confident about her decision.

After, they spent a whole two hours reminiscing. It was like old times again.

#

Christmas was a difficult time. Between more plans to see her recently resurrected mother and her estranged brother suddenly popping into their lives, Iris had a lot to deal with over the short visit.

Of course there was also Officer Perky—er, Patty. She was always around, her arm casually looped around Barry’s waist. Sometimes her hand was tucked into his pocket. She was always touching him. Sometimes her lips were on him too. His neck. His jaw. His lips… On two unfortunate occasions, Iris walked in on them mid-gropage. But neither was quite as bad as her walking down on Christmas day to see Patty chomping down on Barry’s special breakfast pancakes in his sweatpants and oversized tee.

This time, leaving felt like a much-needed break.

#

One of the few good things that happened to Iris since her move was Linda also moving to Coast City. They met up a lot, and hit the bars whenever Eddie got a late night. Things were going well, until Linda met that chemist, Rick Shavers.

“I’m going to marry him.” Linda sighed,looking off dreamily and swinging her legs where they hung from Iris’ desk. Totally unapologetic for breaking dinner plans with Iris for the fifth time in a row.

“Are we ever going to have a girls night, or does he get _all_ of your free time?”

Iris wouldn’t mind so much if she didn’t get the feeling this sudden infatuation was going to end in disaster. At least she told herself that, it's not like she was resentful for not wanting to spend as much time with her husband.

Linda ignored her meaning and sighed again. “My heart aches for him. It really does.”

“It’s been two weeks…” But Iris’ deadpan was lost on her.

After Francine passed, Iris convinced Wally to move in with her and Eddie. She could use the company, and she knew he needed to be around family. And the two of them meshed pretty fast….after he’d cooled from Eddie and Coast City PD coming down hard on the racing circles in their city. Instead, Iris got him interested in Ferris Aircraft and the case of the missing test pilot. But things were going too well on the bonding department because a few weeks in, at breakfast, Eddie was jokingly—but really not—complaining about the endless number of men he had to compete with for Iris’ attention.

Wally made a face from behind his coffee mug. “If it bugs you so much, why did you marry her?”

Eddie colored, and Iris fumbled to appease him with hasty flattery and a quick kiss.

Wally had a knack for making things awkward. That punk.

Once Eddie was out the door, she brought it up. But Wally just shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “He bugs you too, it’s obvious. You can’t say anything though, so I do.”

“He doesn’t—it’s not—”

Wally snorted. “Oh come on, Sis. I don’t like White Shadow either, but Eddie’s all pressed about him, like he’s your sidedick or something.”

Now Iris was embarrassed. And Wally, smug.

“I love Eddie,” Iris said, reassuring herself more than Wally. “My feelings for Barry aren’t…they’re not relevant. I made my choice. I married Eddie.”

“So?” Wally’s forehead furrowed in confusion. “You can un-marry him. If you’re not happy.”

“I _am_ happy.”

But Wally didn’t look convinced.

Iris wasn’t too sure herself. She wasn’t unhappy per se. But marriage wasn’t supposed to be happiness all the time. Or even most of the time…

Wally was still watching her and flashed a tight smile. “I don’t think Eddie’s happy.”

“It’s been a hard time for him, for us, adjusting. And then Francine happened. And you, being a dope. Things take time…” Iris realized she was tugging too much on her sweater sleeves while trying to come up with this explanation.

Wally noticed too. “I don’t know that much about relationships, but even to me it’s clear you can’t give him what he wants. And he’s never gonna be okay with it.”

“What he wants?”

“Yeah. Him being first. That’s never gonna be Eddie, right?”

Iris opened her mouth, and quickly closed it again. She wasn’t gonna lie to Wally if she didn’t have to. And she wasn’t even sure what to say to that. After a beat, she opted for, “I don’t think you know us as well as you think, Wally. Things are more complicated than you know.”

“Yeah, K.” And as he brushed past her on his way to the sink, he muttered, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Sis.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be more angst before things get better (...please don't hate me.)

When Eddie got home that Friday, Iris was closing the oven on her specialty, Mac and Cheese.

“Mmm, what’s the occasion?” He hung his coat over a chair, carefully so it wouldn’t fall or wrinkle. He was so fussy. Unlike Iris (or Barry).

“Wally’s out on a date—the kind that ends with breakfast. So I thought we’d have a quiet night in. Us time.” Iris slipped off her oven mittens, smiling seductively. “It’s been while…”

Eddie’s mouth slanted into a casual smirk. “And here I was going to suggest we tuck in early.”

She threw a mitten at him, which he caught, laughing. Then he pulled her into his arms and for a second, they felt like their old selves. How they used to be back when they lived in his old apartment, without the weight of marriage and the move…

The rest of the night was the same. Nice. Familiar. Comfortable.

And they did tuck in early. To be intimate.

It had been a while, but Eddie’s kisses weren’t more passionate for it. After she’d pulled him on top and things got going, Iris wished he’d stop kissing her so much. She just wanted to close her eyes and let her mind wander. Enjoy her body, without having to be so _present_.

“I love you,” Eddie murmured hotly into her ear.

Iris wrapped her arms around his shoulders, but wouldn’t say it back. Didn’t want to.

After, Eddie rolled over to his back, breathing hard.

Iris turned away. Tucking herself under the covers, drowsy and content.

“I know it’s early but…” Eddie slipped his arm around her from under the sheets. Locking her in place to cuddle his warm body close. “Maybe it’s time we start talking about kids. About having a couple of our own.”

Iris couldn’t breathe—or talk.

Frozen, she accepted Eddie’s hot kisses and the wet trail he left along her shoulders and neck. “I make good money. You make good money. Maybe not now, but eventually, right? I know you said you wanted two. A girl and a boy.”

Yes, Iris had said that. But she’d been glib. It was a long time ago, before they got engaged—or even spoke of it. Before _having Eddie’s babies_ was a real possibility.

“E—Eddie,” she bit her lip, choosing her words carefully. But before she could say more, Eddie was hushing her and laughing softly in her ear.

“I’m not saying we should do it now, Sweetheart. It’s too soon, I know.” He kissed her earlobe. Lingering, to nibble it. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been thinking about it. About our kids. We’d have to move to a bigger place. Find a neighborhood with a good school…”

Iris hummed, trying to act like she was imagining it too. Like she wasn’t totally freaking out.

But she couldn’t even hear what Eddie was saying anymore. Only her own heartbeat, suddenly pounding. So loud she was surprise Eddie couldn’t hear it.

Then, his arms were on her, exploring. Lightly squeezing her breast before feeling down to her abdomen. Settling on the lower. Firmly over her womb.

And he fell sleep with his hand there.

Once his breathing had slowed and the occasional faint snore slipped through, Iris quickly unlatched his fingers from her and hurried to the bathroom.

With trembling hands, she ruffled around the mess in her cabinet for last month’s pack of birth control pills. But turns out she already tossed them out.

Iris knew she’d missed a day, or was it two? It happened once in a while and she made up for it the next day by taking two, unless she’d forget… She hadn’t had any accidents yet…

She was gonna be fine—everything was.

But that night, it took her ages to fall sleep. She was busy obsessing about how careful she’d been with her pills. She and Eddie weren’t intimate much these days, but she’d been regularly taking them. Hadn’t she?

She had.

She was sure she had… Yeah, no problem. No problem at all.

#

“Marriage sucks.” Linda would say more. But hiccoughs. Her shoulders jumped with the third. “Hated—it.”

Iris laughed and helped her inside the apartment—and immediately screwed up her face at the whiskey stink. “Ugh. I’m drawing you a bath. No way you’re laying down on my couch like this.”

Linda just hiccoughed in reply, “Tha—at be n—ice. Th—aks.”

Wally’s head popped out of the kitchen, chomping on chips, and his brows raised at Iris.

Iris shook her head and gave him a pointed look.

He better not get any ideas about her friend. Poor Linda had enough bad luck with guys. Not that there was any chance, Linda’s choice nickname for Wally was “the Idiot.”

A few hours later, it was the three of them on the carpeted floor in front of the TV, huddled around various bags of chips and candy. Eddie was out with his new buddies, and probably wouldn’t be back until late—he didn’t like to third wheel Wally and Iris time, in his words.

On top of no longer stinking a mile long radius around her, Linda was a lot more sober now. And she seemed to be in a better mood.

“Two weeks.” Her explanation was muffled around a mouthful of salted pretzels. She paused to swallow before continuing. “Annulled now. Good thing. I never moved out of my apartment officially. It’s a clean break.”

Iris rubbed her back. “Look at you, bouncing back so quick. I’m proud.”

Linda stuffed her mouth with more pretzels and smiled, mumbling a full-mouthed, “Thanks.”

Wally laughed. “I dunno why you people do it. Marriage seems like a buzz kill. End of good sex. End of freedom…”

“Wally,” Iris groaned.

But Linda was nodding. “Never again.”

The two fist-bummed.

Iris rolled her eyes. “You haven’t found the right person. Either of you. When you do—”

“We’ll be as miserable as you and Eddie?” Linda raised her brow challengingly. As if to say that, yes, she had noticed.

For that, Wally high-fived her so hard Linda had to shake out her hand, wincing from pain and glaring at him after.

“We’re not _miserable_.” And they weren’t. Miserable was a strong word. Discontent, maybe. Unhappy, yeah. Disconnected…

It was Linda’s turn to comfort Iris. She slung her arm around her shoulder, and smiled knowing, with narrowed eyes. “Imagine my shock when you told me you were gonna do it, marry Eddie. What the hell? I ditched Barry for you—”

“You did not.”

“Okay, fine. But I was thinking of you—when I ditched him. Thinking of both of you. Together. I mean, come on. What the hell? I don’t know who Eddie is kidding, but that one double date we had…the UST was intense.”

“Yeah,” Wally nodded from behind her, face screwed up all serious like. “Man, I haven’t been around long, but even I can see you and White Shadow have baggage. Majorly. I’ve no clue why you married Eddie. But real talk, sis, you were better off saying no.”

“For. Real.” Another high-five.

Iris couldn’t believe it. They were going all in. Savages, both of them.

“This is my home. Mine _and my husband’s_. A little respect…”

Linda and Wally guffawed.

“We love you,” Linda said.

“Eh—love? I dunno about love. But like, yes.” Iris punched Wally in the shoulder. Hard. And again. “Ow, fine. Love, love! Ow—love you.”

#

Iris flushed the toilet with a shaky hand and stumbled out to the nearest sink at the public restroom. The cold water felt good on her skin. Numbing.

She snuck a peak at the mirror and was relieved to see she looked relatively normal. A little dull-eyed, and her color had lost its shine. But she looked fine.

Too normal.

The girl in the reflection was pretty, young. Limitless. Just the opposite of how Iris felt.

It was a while before she could close the tab and dry her hands.

Their quinoa wraps had arrived by the time she got back.

Linda swallowed her mouthful and craned her, watching Iris closely. “You okay? You seem off your game.”

“I’m fine. I just—it’s one of those days. Another Saturday with Eddie working. And Wally met someone new on Tinder…”

“Oh? A date?” Linda fiddled with her wrap now, not really bothering to bite in.

Iris would laugh, if she had it in her. “If you like my brother—”

“I do not like the Idiot. Don’t be daft.” Linda picked a cucumber slice out of her wrap and tossed it in her plate.

“Yeah, well, he likes you. He gave you his bed last time…and he hates sleeping on the couch.”

Linda rolled her eyes. “I so enjoyed being tucked under his Power Rangers sheets and Super Mario bedcover. Made me feel like a real princess. Maybe I’ll go crash his date and we can have a threesome there with Tinder Slut.”

Iris’ lips inched up at the edges, a tiny smile. “I’m just saying you don’t have to be jealous.”

But Linda cold refused. Like always, insisting her interest in the Idiot’s affairs was just nosiness. Nothing to it. Nothing at all.

And with that, she waved their waitress over, calling for another round of their chosen cocktails.

Iris appreciated that.

She could use more—or something harder.

But, a tiny voice told her she shouldn’t. Maybe she should hold off in case… No, Iris wasn’t going to entertain the possibility. It was too soon to worry. And it couldn’t be.

No way.

But when her cocktail got there, she couldn’t touch it. She just slid it over to Linda.

“Iris?” Linda gave her a look— _no bullshit, you’re telling me exactly what’s up_ kind of look. It worked every time. Even on Iris.

“I’m late.”

The unfinished half of Linda’s wrap dropped to her plate, coming apart halfway. Spilling quinoa and sliced veg. “You mean you’re—”

“A few days. I mean, it happens, right?”

Actually, it was a week now.

Linda nodded, her jaw still hanging open. “Have you done a—”

“Test? No. I’m gonna wait and see if… I’m sure it’s because I’m stressed. I’m not, uh, I’m not…” She found she couldn’t finish that thought.

And Linda seemed to notice as well.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna do, if you are?”

Iris looked away, then down at her hands where they were tightly clasped together on her lap. “It’s too soon. I’m not worried.”

Linda knew her better than to press. But she couldn’t help, “Well, if _you are_ and you keep it, that means the Idiot’s gonna be an uncle. Ha, can you imagine?”

Iris suddenly wanted to barf what was left of her oatmeal and fruit breakfast.

#

The next time Iris visited Central City, it was for Joe’s birthday. On the way, Eddie had to stop the car twice so she could be sick on the side of the road.

After the second time, Eddie looked worried, more than before. He watched her clean up with a hand sanitizer and began babbling a rather long apology. “Things have been tough, I know that, Babe. I didn’t mean to stress you out more by bringing up the future. I know kids are touchy subject regardless, especially since women do the heavy lifting. What I mean is, I love you. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. And we’re young. We have a long time to get started on our family…”

He sounded so sure about them starting a family. It wasn’t an “if” for him. Just “when”.

Iris didn’t know how to react to that. Because, yes, she wanted a family. Two kids, a boy and a girl. But…

Not with Eddie. Not in this marriage.

Iris closed her eyes, trying not to be sick again. There couldn’t be anything left to throw up, just bile. “Eddie, please. Stop. I don’t want to talk about this. Not now.”

Thankfully, Eddie did shut up.

At Joe’s, Iris dashed upstairs to the bathroom she shared with Barry. Not to puke again, but to splash cold water on her face and just have a moment alone.

It was about five minutes later when she heard a knock. She was about to tell Eddie to get settled into her room without her—

“Iris?”

It was Barry.

Breathing a big sigh of relief, she unlocked the door to let him in.

“Bear.” The smile came easy. She was happy to see him. So, so happy. God, she’d missed him.

His smile said the same thing.

They hugged. And stayed hugging.

Iris didn’t want to let go. She nuzzled her face into his firm, familiar chest. God, she loved the way smelled. And his fast heartbeat. The feel of him… It was Barry. _Her_ Barry.

“Joe got called back to the office, he’ll be back soon as he can. Or so he says,” he muttered. “Where’s Wally?”

“Coming later. With Jesse… Can’t believe they’re renting together—they met when? Yesterday? Linda is pissed, though she won’t admit it. Although, Wells might just kill Wally and her problems will be done with.”

Barry laughed, squeezing her one last time. “Can’t say I’ll miss him.”

“Hey—hey. No trash talking my baby bro.” Iris pulled away laughing and smacked him. “He’s a total brat though. So yeah, I got you.”

And for a second they just stood there, smiling at each other.

Until Eddie called from the bottom of the staircase, asking Iris if she wanted meds for her nausea.

“Nausea?” Barry’s brows shot up. “You okay?”

Iris smiled tightly. “I’m fine. I just—I need to get ready for tonight so, if you can get the heck out of the bathroom and get me my favorite—”

And before she could say “bathrobe”, it was tucked into her hands, neatly folded.

Barry closed the bathroom door at normal speed, winking. “Enjoy.”

#

Eddie was waiting for her in her old room.

Big banana yellow comforter. Walls pasted with hip-hop posters, newspaper clippings, stickers, and way too many scotch taped pictures. “Trophies” scattered everywhere—a kayak paddle from the one time she tried it. A box full of Archie comics and shojo manga. Her lucky bowling shoes, so old and used the leather was torn and fraying… Then there was Eddie. All blond and _adult_ in his perfectly pressed white button-down, and grey slacks.

He didn’t fit.

And he knew it. The tension in his shoulders said about as much. That and how he was eying a picture of her and Barry from her 14th birthday at the waterpark.

That tension did ease a bit when he saw her, quickly smiling. His eyes trailed her neck, on display with her hair being up in a bun, and down to the exposed skin at her collarbone to her chest plate and lower.

“Are you better now, Babe?” He’d brought her meds and water. After she’d taken some, he placed them back on the bedside table and tried to get her to rest. Though, his gentle leading hands lingered, tugging playfully on her bathrobe belt.

Iris slapped his hand away, annoyed. “It’s my dad’s house, Eddie. Show some respect.”

He flushed red, nodding. “Sorry, Babe. I—actually I came up to tell you I’m gonna drop by my parents’ place to see them for a bit. Did you want to come with? Or—”

“I’m not feeling up to it.” And seeing the opportunity to get rid of him for a bit, she pushed that he should see his parents—for as long as he wants. “I’ll see you at the restaurant for dinner. I’m sure Dad or Barry can take me.”

Eddie didn’t seem a hundred percent happy with this arrangement, but he was lowkey a mama’s boy and couldn’t resist.

He kissed her goodbye and, once he’d closed her door behind him, Iris collapsed back onto her old bed.

She couldn’t be happier to be rid of Eddie. And she was too tired to feel bad.

After lying there awhile, not wanting to move but not being drowsy enough to fall asleep, her eyes wandered. She paused on the picture Eddie had been eying, the one from the waterpark. It’d been a nice day. Sunny. Hot, while the water was deliciously cool. And that delirious happiness Iris remembered was plain in both her and Barry’s chubby teenage faces—glowing under the golden rays and stretched into impossible grins.

If she could go back… Be young. Carefree.

Be with Barry.

She welcomed the tears. One hot trickle at a time.

#

Barry was trying on a new dress shirt when she burst in. He spun on the spot, his dopy surprise fading into a grin. “You know I could’ve been indecent.”

Even with her face sticky with freshly dried tear streaks, Iris couldn’t help smiling. “The horror.”

Barry pouted, and spun again, this time slower. “So? What do you think?”

“It’s three sizes too big. Why don’t you put on the one I got you for Christmas?” Not the most thoughtful gift, but then Christmas had been a hectic time. And Perky was around, and Iris didn’t want to accidently cross any lines—hard to tell sometimes, because they were Iris and Barry and boundaries.

And whoosh, he’d switched shirts. “Better?”

“Much.”

Iris settled on his bed, tugging now on her sweater sleeves. It cashmere. An old one Barry had bought her for her seventeenth birthday. It still fit, more or less.

“I’m supposed to go pick up Patty, around now. Then we can all go together.”

Iris nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

“Yeah.”

But Barry stayed in place, still in front of the mirror, though Iris could tell he was watching her reflection.

“Does she know?”

He turned then, and shook his head. “It’s not—I’m not sure…yet.”

“Not sure about her?”

He didn’t answer.

And without meaning to, Iris’ lips twitched into a tiny smile.

The mattress sunk as Barry settled by her. He was watching her now, hesitant. Careful. Like he saw something was off, but wasn’t sure if he should come out and ask. Or wait for her to come clean.

Iris closed her eyes. “Bear, I’m scared.”

He found her hands, slipping in between where she had them clasped in her lap. Gently nudging them apart to lace his fingers with hers.

Eyes still firmly shut, Iris began again, breathless she was so scared. “I—I think I might be pregnant.”

His hand twitched. But that’s it. His only reaction.

She had to open her eyes to take a peek, see his drained face. His wide eyes were as scared as she felt.

“I—I don’t know for sure.”

And finally, he breathed.

So did she.

His hand stayed where it was, squeezing hers. “Have you, uh, talked to…”

“No. No, I don’t want to. Not until I’m sure.”

Barry held her gaze, nodding as if he understood. Did he?

“Iris…” He struggled with whatever he wanted to say, but swallowed and tried again, surprising her with the quiet, gentleness of his tones. “Do you want this? A baby?”

Her lips drew together, sealing tight.

Did she want a baby?

“Not right now. It’s too soon. We don’t even have the space for—and my job, all the running around and investigating… I just, I can’t.”

Barry shifted closer to her. Smiled painfully. “Listen, all that stuff, the time, money, space… Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out. And you’ve got a lot of people who’ll help.”

The soft touch of his lips on her forehead hurt. Made her eyes sting, fill with tears.

Barry dried a teardrop with his thumb. Lingering, to draw soft circles on her cheekbone. “I know you’re scared. But you’re be gonna be fine. Both of you—or all three? I mean, as long as you want this…”

Iris wanted to say “no”. And so much more she had to say to him, but her throat had clamped shut, swollen now with pain and sobs she couldn’t quite get out.

“First, though, we need to know.” Barry stood up. “You didn’t take any tests?”

She shook her head. And before she’d stopped, Barry was back, in a huff of air. Holding the home test out to her.

They didn’t talk while they waited, just outside the bathroom door in the empty hallway.

Iris was sitting up against the wall. Hunched into herself, knees tucked tight to her chest. Shaking all over. Too nauseous to talk. And dizzy from lightheaded terror.

Barry was pacing. Every time he tried to say something comforting, he paused, and his words faded into shaky breaths.

Then, it was time.

Barry held out his hand to her.

Iris hid her face with a sob. “Bear, please, you look. Tell me.”

He tried to dissuade her, but she refused.

Finally, he opened the bathroom door and—

In two quick leaps, Iris was up and slammed the bathroom door shut behind him. Pressed up against the closed wood, Iris burst, “No. No, no, no. I don’t want it. I don’t want this. I don’t want Eddie. I don’t want to be married to him or have his kids. I just—I want to go back. I want… I want you.”

And shaking harder than ever she fell back, heaving.

The door crawled open slowly.

Barry’s white face poked out. His eyes, bright and wide found hers. Stayed. And his face broke into a wide-ass grin.

“Negative.” He held up the test.

For the first time, she didn’t feel like crying. Her eyes were dry. And her lips eased into a grin as big as Barry’s.

She felt light.

Free.

#

Iris couldn’t face Eddie here, not in Central City with all the watchful eyes of their friends and family. Never mind that it was where all their happy memories as a couple were from—somehow it made her sad to taint those.

So, after an apology call to Joe, Iris took the first train to Coast City. She was nearly there when familiar lights swirled around her, ending in Barry. Sitting next to her.

“Hey.” He slung his arm over the top of her seat, smirking. He’d never get over showing off to her.

Iris shook her head but also smiled. “Here to make sure I don’t get mugged?”

“No, I thought you might want help packing. Do you?” And in flash, his smirk had turned into something entirely vulnerable. Worried if he was overstepping.

“If by that you mean you’re gonna do all the packing for me. You’re totally welcome to it.”

The smirk was back, with an extra twinkle of mischief. Before Iris registered it, Barry was scooping her up, and they were, whoosh, at the front doors of her not so happy home with Eddie.

Packing didn’t take long. Thanks to the Flash.

Iris spent most of her time writing a note. With instructions to come see her at Linda’s.

“You’re not coming back?” Barry leaned on the stack of boxes he’d just packed for her. His eyelashes beat low over his eyes. Was that disappointment?

“I have a job, Bear. Besides…” She bit her lip, not wanting to admit that she was somewhat glad to have an excuse to stay away from Central City. From Joe. And from having to face her failures.

Understanding, Barry hung his head. “Joe’s gonna be happy to have you back. Like mad happy. He’s not gonna be all _I told you_ —”

“Oh, please. You know he will.”

They laughed.

But it was settled. Barry took Iris and her things to Linda’s. He would’ve stuck around to help her unpack, but Linda’s knowing smiles and constant shade chased him away.

“Sorry about the trouble,” Iris began.

But Linda cut her off with a laugh, and bounced on the spot, clapping. “Trouble? I’ve been counting down the days ‘till you got rid of Eddie. I don’t care if he’s the ancestor of some badass supervillain, the guy is a bore. Total vanilla. Even the wormhole didn’t want him.”

Iris chuckled.

Eddie was kind and loving, and even now, she felt a tug of tenderness toward him. But _their love_ was now just a fond memory.

“Speaking of vanilla... Ice cream, you got some?”

#

The first time Iris came face to face with Eddie was at Linda’s front door. They talked for a long time. His face fell when she explained what had happened. Her fears of an unwanted baby. And her realization.

But Eddie had been an accomplice. He drew away from her as much as she did him, though sometimes he also fought to keep her. Iris had feared he’d fight again and she was going to have to be harsh—and she would be, if that’s what it took.

“It’s Barry isn’t it?”

“It’s not like that.” Iris’ nails dug into the doorframe. “Eddie, we haven’t been happy together. Not for a long time.”

But Eddie was watching her closely. “Why do you think? It’s Barry. It was always Barry.”

Then he turned, descending down the hall with his head hung.

It would be a long time before Iris saw him outside of a formal setting.

#

Months passed and still, Iris refused to visit Central City.

She talked to Barry often via phone, FaceTime, Skype… Best of all, he visited a lot. Soon as Iris said she was bored and alone, Barry was there. Popping up right in front of her.

They were having dinner at Big Belly Burger when he told her about Patty leaving. When she told him she was sorry, he just shrugged.

“I see you more than I saw her. Which she noticed, by the way.”

Iris chomped on a fry and licked the spec ketchup off her fingertip. “She and Eddie should start a club.”

Barry laughed, snorting up soda. “Becky might want to join too.”

Ugh, her. 

“So…” Iris crumbled up her wrapper, just to have something to do and not have to look directly at Barry. “Is it true, what you said? About us being married on Earth 2?”

“Yep.”

“Like in the future… It’s so weird.”

“Yeah, weird.”

Iris snuck a shy glance at him to see he was smiling. And maybe she was projecting, but she thought she saw a hint of longing. It was enough to make her ask what was nagging her. 

“Bear, you didn’t break up with Patty because…because of what…”

“Because she’s not you?” His smile shrunk, though not completely gone. “No. I mean, not intentionally. I guess, I wasn’t really invested. And then when you said…”

_I want you._

Yep, Iris remembered. Clearly Barry did too. Though, they’d both been avoiding that slip like the plague.

“B—Bear—”

“It’s okay,” he cut in, smiling tight. “I know you didn’t mean it like that. You were panicked. Scared. Didn’t know what you were saying.”

Iris wanted to say no, tell him he was wrong. She opened her mouth. But then, stopped herself.

If she came clean, then what? She wasn’t ready. Barry wasn’t ready. Why make things awkward for them both?

“Yeah,” she said eventually. “I was a mess.”

Still a mess. But she was working on it.

#

“Hey, Iris. It’s Carol… I need your help.”

The call came early on a Saturday, while Iris was finishing up her morning routine. Linda was passed out in her room, sleeping off a hangover.

Iris told Carol to meet her at Jitters in an hour.

But it wasn’t Carol waiting for her.

“Hal.” He held out his hand to her. Casual. But something about him made her blush. Maybe it was the smile? He was definitely cuter in person. “Carol didn’t say you were a knockout. She and I are poly, you know, so, if you’re into—”

Iris snatched her hand away. “I’m good.”

He dropped back into his chair, laughing. “Just leaving it out there.”

“How generous.” Iris rolled her eyes, but she sat down anyway. She could tell he was harmless, if annoying. “I’m not here for a social call, _Hal_. Carol told me about you. How you’ve returned _changed_. Well, if you ever want help—and I mean, discrete help—there are people I know who’ll be happy to provide it. They can help you figure this stuff out. Help you deal, day to day.”

“I don’t know…”

Iris sighed and started to get up, but he reached out for her hand from across the table, halting her.

“Scared of flying?”

Iris blinked. “In airplanes?”

Hal grinned. “I’ve got something better.”

Iris wasn’t entire sure what was going on, but it was a smooth ride. Flying up in nothing, just light. For Flash’s best friend and a frequent passenger of superspeed, Iris was still pretty impressed.

So were people at STAR. Cisco most of all.

And being there, standing around with Barry and her other friends, it hit her how bad she missed _this_.

When she got Barry alone, she looped her arm through his. “Feel like helping me move?”

“Move?”

“Yeah. To dad’s first, until I find my own place.”

And it was going to be as easy as that. CCPN was dying to get her back. She was their contact to Flash—the biggest news story in the city.

“For real?” Barry’s lips were drawn into a hopeful smile. The kind of smile that made her smile.

“For real.”

#

“I have a date,” she said, nudging the baby carrots around on her plate. She really didn’t want to look around, already feeling like the dinner table had gone uncomfortably quiet.

“A date?” Joe said, like he didn’t know what the word meant.

Iris stabbed a carrot. “Yeah. Scott, my new boss at CCPN.”

She waited for them to bring up conflict of interest and blah blah.

“Oh?” Joe was first. “I guess good for you, Baby. Good that you're getting out there again.”

“Yeah, uh, congrats.” That was Barry, and he sounded…normal?

Iris narrowed her eyes at them. Then Wally. “Anything to say?”

He shrugged. “Don’t marry him.”

Iris threw her half-eaten bun at him.

#

Scott was a good distraction, for the short while it lasted.

Iris broke it off when she rejected a fancy night out with him for just another lazy movie night in with Barry.

And that night, it was like she and Barry had gone back in time. Back to being their goofy old selves. Before things got complicated with comas, secrets, serious boyfriends…

Iris tossed a handful of popcorn in the air for Barry to catch in his mouth at superspeed. He didn’t miss a single one.

Sure, some things were different, but Iris liked to think this was their chance to start fresh.

#

Iris lingered in the hallway outside her new apartment. And fidgeted with the keys. Then, suddenly, a spur of the moment kind of thing, she turned, running. Fast as she could in heels. Got as far as the elevator.

The 5000year wait, though, cooled Iris’ fears. Turned them into frustrated impatience.

Made her rethink running.

Deep breath in, Iris turned back. With trembling hands, she dug into her purse, pulling out her keys again and started to—

The front door whooshed open, snapping back, just before she slid in the key.

And there he was.

Tall. Goofy grin. Checkered shirt.

Barry.

“What are you…” The words died on her lips when he moved aside, showing her a completely unpacked, perfectly furnished apartment.

He was watching her carefully, and suddenly his forehead lined. “Did you want to do it yourself? I just—I mean, you always hated cleaning up so I thought I’d help. Sorry. If you want I could un—”

“Don’t you dare!”

Barry blinked.

“Bear, my god. I was dreading walking in and seeing all the boxes…” She pushed past him and in, walking about with tentative steps, her heels clicking gently on the polished floor. “I could live with this. But, the couches, I’d rather they’re switched around with the TV. And the coffee table more cen—”

And bam, re-arranged. Just like she wanted. In a blink.

He did a victory whirl around her, mussing up her hair and making her squeal in wonder. God, how did she go so long without him?

“You were saying?” His arms folded in front of him. And that self-satisfied smirk… She wanted to make it disappear. She really, really wanted to.

But thinking about _doing_ …it made her nervous.

Instead, she laughed awkwardly and said, “I love having you around.”

Barry nodded.

“You should move in with me.”

Iris didn’t realize what she’d blurted until Barry’s smirk died. And his cheeks colored.

“Uh, yeah. I could be your personal…maid?” He chuckled weakly, and Iris joined him. Also chuckling weakly.

“I like man-servant better. My man-toy.”

Barry choked, burning redder.

Iris bit back a laugh, and looked around. At first to give Barry a moment. Then, because she couldn’t stop looking.

This was her apartment. Hers. The first apartment she’d have solely as her own. No roommates. No boyfriends. No failed marriages.

She’d been so scared to come in. To be on her own in this big, empty, strange place. She’d been scared to want to run back, to take a cab all the way to Joe’s and hide in her old bedroom.

But Barry had made this place…nice. He’d brought her old closet. Hung up her favorite pictures. And he’d bought red couches, like she always wanted, and the cute glass coffee table she’d bookmarked on her phone. All in all, it felt like a home.

Her home.

And Iris suddenly felt the urge to twirl. “I—wow. Thank you. I mean it, Bear. This saves me a lot of grief.”

“Yeah? Good. I’m glad.” His footsteps followed her, closing in behind her. So close she could hear him breathe, deep and slow. “You’ve been through a lot and I guess I just wanted to help.”

She turned, craning her neck to see him looking down at her. His green eyes mostly shaded behind long lashes.

He was waiting for her.

Her move.

She licked her lips. “You have helped. Just being with me…when I needed you.”

His lips thinned into a faint smile.

“Bear…” But Iris had run out of words. Out of thanks. She didn’t want to stand here and keep talking. And she didn’t want to send him away either. There was _one thing_ she wanted. A leap. Just needed to be brave and go for it. “Barry, I want—I want you to stay.”

Barry’s lips parted, a soundless, “stay?”

Iris watched him, wide-eyed, her heartbeat suddenly very noticeably loud—could Barry hear it? Licking her lips again, she dipped her head into a fearful nod.

“I, uh—okay. I can sleep on the couch and—”

“No. Barry…” Iris didn’t know what had taken over her, but she’d reached for his cold hand, squeezing it tightly. “ _I want you to stay_.”

Confused smile.

Iris fingers curled, nails digging into his palm. She was going to have to do this herself wasn’t she?

“I—Iris, I know you need time to…” His word faded into a shaky breath, watching her.

She was up on her tiptoes. Steadying herself with a hand pressed into cool fabric and the firm muscle underneath, his heart hammering into her palm. “Barry, if you don’t kiss me right now, I’m going to hurt you.”

She’d do it herself but her neck could stretch out so far…

And finally, Barry’s face changed. From breathless awe to something more… intent. Urgent. Eyes darker and top lip snarled.

The first brush was careful. Tender. A pause, his name heavy in her breath. Then, Barry’s hands were on her. Angling her head, down her neck. Her back…under her thighs.

She was stretched tall to meet him. Then she was up, thighs rubbing raw against jeans and softer fabric. Banging back to a wall—she had no idea where and which wall, but she was hard up against it while Barry breathed hot air and left cool, wet kisses along every exposed inch of her neck. Her chest. Her breasts.

It was mad, frantic. Inelegant. Lots of sporadic vibration. Cries that came out of nowhere—whose was it anyway? And a painful, frustrating struggle against clothes they couldn’t be bothered to rip off.

Then the floor.

On her back, twisted up uncomfortably in her bra. Skirt folded up around her waist. Iris finished there. Back arched, legs high, and vaguely wondering if she’d knock her head into the table leg and black out. The ever closer danger of it made her final aches harder, longer…left her spent.

After, Barry crawled up over her. His red, hot skin and damp twisted shirt as much a mess as hers. They held hands and kissed a bit, mingling sweat and hot air, before tucking together under the cover of the glass tabletop.

Barry’s breathing stilled for a moment and he turned, nudging her ear shell with his nose. “Still want me to stay, or did I fulfill my purpose?”

Iris squirmed, laughing, mostly because his hot breath tickled. “I don’t know what you thought, Barry, but your purpose is now to repeat that over and over…and over.”

#

“So…” Barry settled down by her on their bed, the positive pregnancy test between them.

They’d been “officially” dating for seven months. Had moved in together for only four of those.

This was definitely too soon.

Iris glanced up at him from under the flutter of her lashes, suddenly shy. “Would you think I’m crazy if I said I wanted this? I know it’s early, but…I do. I want this, us and a baby.”

A shuddering breath, then, “Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s soon but…” His palm rested on her knee, squeezing. “I want it too.”

Iris giggled, not realizing she’d been holding it in. Holding her breath too.

“It’s funny,” she said, tracing the shadow the test applicator cast on the comforter. “The difference, I mean. Between being sure, so clearly sure, and…and when you have doubts.”

Barry’s smile became a grin, and he leaned in, catching her between more giggling—she couldn’t stop them. He teased her lips apart with a gentle poke of his tongue-tip.

“No doubts here,” he muttered before pressing in for long kiss. Minty and toothpaste fresh.

On a lazy Sunday, it was hard to grasp the weight of the choice they’d made. For the moment, it felt good. Right. Exciting even.

Only…

Iris let her fingertips roam under Barry’s t-shirt. Teasing the warm skin of his abs, and down. Tugged on the elastic of his sweats. Her face tucked into the side of his, she breathed, “We should make up for all the—”

And he’d flipped her on her back, meeting her with a rough, almost sloppy kiss, mumbling, “On it.”

 


End file.
